An all-fruit diet doesn’t work.

Perhaps I made the mistake of eating whole bananas and peaches instead of paying $533 for a trendy 3-day Malibu juice cleanse. Either way, I don’t know how our protagonist from Hudson’s Adventure Island, Master Higgins, consumes only fruit and still keeps his party animal-figure. When I tried the all-fruit diet, I lost half of my body weight and experienced routine random collapsing. Was it the milk he drank? But we discussed where that would come from, and it was either a Pooter pig or a coyote. I tried to milk them, but every time I touched one I would DIE. You tell me where I can get milk from either one of those pixelated mammals and I will try the MH Diet again. 

BTW - the most likely source of the milk we didn’t discuss was a coconut. That would make too much sense in a world where a coyote runs upright and an octopus pronks 50 feet out of water while changing color after being tomahawked.