Are You Bad Enough?

"Are You Bad Enough to Be My Dude?" was almost the title for Sheryl Crow's 1999 hit song of a similar name, until a prophecy told her of an imminent relationship with a man named "Lance Armstrong", and then it became "Arm You Strong Enough to Be My Dude?" That was, until hotshot record producer Bruce Dickinson (played by "The Prophecy" star Christopher Walken during the famous "Needs More Cowbell" skit on Saturday Night Live) made an ad-nauseam suggestion to put more "r" in "arm" to the point where the "m" was dwarfed into total loss. The song was finally released under the title "Are You Strong Enough to Be My Dude?" Somehow, the misnomer, "Are You Strong Enough to Be My Man?" has managed to stick around and no one knows why.

Listen. You be the judge:

The bigger, mostly unanswerable question is, "Are You a Bad Enough Dude to Rescue the President?" Philosopher and Zen Buddhist, Alan Watts, once said "The whole process of nature is an integrated process of immense complexity, and it’s really impossible to tell whether anything that happens in it is good or bad." Donald Sutherland's character from "National Lampoon's Animal House," Professor Jennings, posed the question, "Is being bad more fun than being good?" Regardless of where you stand on the issue of good vs. bad, one thing is certain: "Bad Dudes" for NES forces you to confront this issue head-on.

Where do I stand on this issue? Personally, I have mixed feelings. Rescuing the president was good, but I had to be bad in order to achieve the goal. When trying to reconcile these feelings, I remembered why I didn't hesitate the call to action.

Look at that guy! That guy is the coolest boss ever! He looks just like Duke Nukem. The amount of chicks he's bedded probably looks like a progressive jackpot meter. You really gonna say "no" and have that guy call you a "pussy"?

No way. Would you?

- Grant

The Gut-Check: A definitive guide

Since our episode on Rocket Ranger dropped, I’ve gotten literally billions of emails, texts, and tweets asking the same question:  “How do I properly execute the famous ‘Gut-Check’ that you guys mentioned on the podcast?  Also, I’m a Nigerian prince who has millions of dollars in American banks and need you to help me withdraw it and then I’ll give you a bunch of it or something.”

Well, my regal Nigerian friends, I am, as always, a faithful servant to the RotW audience, so I decided to teach you my fool-proof, step-by-step guide to perform the move that prevented the Nazis--err...  Leutonians from enslaving humanity and ruling the universe.

Step 1:  Know Your Opponent

So let’s say you find yourself in a Leutonian rocket part factory, and security is pretty tight.  You know, they have 1 whole guard keeping the place on lockdown.  But boy oh boy do you need that rocket part!  What do you do?  Use a gun?  Of course not, that’s exactly what they expect.  No, what you want to do is engage in a long, drawn-out round of fisticuffs with this fine fellow.  Make no mistake, though, this guy can fight.  And he’s wearing a helmet, so punching him in the face, while effective, brings its own set of risks. It’s time to get into his head.  Just dive deep into his thoughts, comb through his psyche and find his deepest fear!  And like all men, his deepest fear is being punched in the stomach by a guy in a leather jacket who wears a jetpack. 


 Step 2:  Square Up

So you’ve decided on a course of action.  That’s good! A man without a plan is no man at all, I always say.  So you know what you want to do, but how are you going to do it?  Prepare!  Put one foot way out in front of the other, and most importantly stand perfectly still.  Do not move a fucking muscle other than your punching arm.  (A quick aside here:  It may be a good idea to name your punching arm.  I call mine “The Doomsday Device.”  Play around until you find one that fits.)  Okay, so you’re perfectly still, and you may think it’s time to deliver the Gut-Check.  IT IS NOT!  Don’t be a moron.  For the Gut-Check to reach its full effectiveness, you need to build up the anticipation.  So pepper a few blows to the idiot guard’s dumb face.  Mash his nose some.  Let the fear grow inside of him.  All the while sharing the knowledge with him that it’s only a matter of time before his whole world changes.



Step 3:  Bring the Thunder

This is it!  This is the moment you’ve been waiting for your whole life.  You’ve stood perfectly still, you’ve peppered the moron’s guard ass-face with some blows to soften him up, you’re ready.  It’s time!  Again, without moving your body at all, drop your punching arm and come straight at the guard’s gut, and while doing so, yell a catch-phrase of your liking.  I personally enjoy yelling “Bammy Sammy, here comes the Whammy!” but your mileage may vary.  Make it yours!  While yelling, slam your fist into the guard’s gut with the force of a locomotive.  Watch as his eyes bug out of his head.  Listen and he makes the classic “Huah!” noise that every Gut-Check victim makes.  Watch him drop like a sack of potatoes.  Bask in this moment, for life doesn’t get any better than this.  Congratulations!  You’ve just performed your first ever Gut-Check! 


I hope this guide helps you going forward.  I’ve bestowed a powerful gift on you.  Use it well.


A poem, if I may

In the spirit of saving hypothetical hostages from a fictional embassy in France, I have decided to honor a long-standing French artistic tradition of writing a poem to express our gratitude. Even though Ian, Leroy, and myself did all the work, we are still eternally grateful for the opportunity given to us by these imaginary diplomats. 

Once in a Blue Man

What does a blue man have to do

With a game like “Rescue”?

Does he hide in a corner

And wait for a hero,

Like Jason Bourne? Er…

What does a blue man want

When Jumbo pulls off an amazing stunt?

Does he long to be free?

My lord he must have to go oui,

And quite a loud yes it will be,

When we raid the embassy.

Crepes, wine, and once having a president,

Married to Carla Bruni.

Here’s to you! Man in Blue!